TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage¦ Not long after I became pregnant with Autumn in early 2016, I found that some people have VERY strong opinions on everything to do with children. And not just their own children, they like to tell you what you should be doing with yours too. One of my earliest experiences of this was during a discussion about whether I was going to find out Autumn’s gender or not…
Damned if you don’t
There I was, somewhere late in the 2nd trimester with a sizable bump when that commonly asked question cropped up. “Are you going to find out its gender?” This was something my husband and I had ummed and ahhed about a lot in the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy. My husband valiantly said he’d go along with whatever I wanted to do as I was doing all the hard work.
I thought I’d like to find out when the baby was born. I suppose it was partly due to film and TV romanticising the idea in my head. It was always such a wonderful moment when “It’s a girl!” or “It’s a boy!” was announced. I just liked the idea of that excitement after all the pain and pushing. Plus, I didn’t mind either way, so whichever it was would be a lovely surprise. It was fun guessing using old wive’s tales, too!
The only time I had slight regret was when I was perusing Mothercare. There was a beautiful Beatrix Potter dress that I absolutely adored, but I was convinced I was having a boy so I didn’t buy it. Equally, I didn’t buy any especially boyish clothes just in case it was a girl. I was hoping to find lemon and mint unisex clothes, but everything seemed to be white and grey.
However, the person who asked just couldn’t understand why we wouldn’t find out the baby’s gender. Even as I tried to explain our reasons, they tried to force theirs upon us. They all but told us it was ridiculous not to find out. If they could have physically forced us to, it felt as though they would have.
Damned if you do
When I fell pregnant with Reuben last year, we almost immediately knew we wanted to find out the baby’s gender; but things were different.
I’d had a miscarriage a few months before. Unfortunately, I hadn’t had any scans and had no idea whether the baby would have been a girl or a boy. This somehow made it a bit harder to grieve in a way. I had no pictures, no gender, I knew nothing about my baby that I could cling onto. Nothing that could make their existence feel more real to me than just a handful of positive pregnancy tests I’d taken. I was so anxious about having another miscarriage, so I had several reassurance scans early on. If the worst were to happen again, I wanted to see my baby and know as much about him or her as possible.
Not only that, but unlike with my first pregnancy, I had another child to think about. I thought that it would be easier to get Autumn bonding with the baby and feeling more involved if we found out its gender. She had been saying for years that she wanted a sister. As such, I thought it was important that if it was going to be a boy she was prepared for a brother. (Turned out Reuben was a boy, so that was a good idea!)
Although I enjoyed shopping for more boyish clothing, I didn’t do a gender reveal or anything. I didn’t really see the point in celebrating what gender my child was as I would have been equally as happy either way!
One day in December, I needed to pop into work. Someone asked me if I knew whether it was a boy or a girl. When I told them I was having a boy, someone else tutted. She then made a pointed comment about people finding out the gender these days and ruining the surprise.
Parting thoughts
Like so many things with parenting (bottle feeding/breastfeeding, state schooling/homeschooling etc.) you’re clearly damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Of course, it would be easier of people kept their opinions to themselves. However, some people are just like that and its important to stand your ground. Sometimes that might just be sitting there and pretending to listen while they ramble on, trying to put pressure on you. Ultimately, it’s your child and YOUR decision.