I hated my daughter's name

I hated my daughter's name

When you’re pregnant you spend hours looking at baby names with your partner, trying to pick the perfect one for your unborn child. My husband and I were no different; hours were spent searching the internet looking for inspiration. So, it pains me to say that for a period of time, I couldn’t stand my daughter’s name, despite the fact that I was the one who had chosen it. Hearing her name made me flinch; I felt like I wanted to change it to something else…

The reason goes back, like so many things, to when she fell critically ill at two weeks old, which resulted in her needing open surgery.

The first two weeks of her life, I’d gaze at her through blurry sleep-deprived eyes and just think she was the most perfect thing ever and that she had a lovely name that suited her. It just seemed like it was the right name for her and suited her very well. The reception of her name from other people was generally good too, everyone told us what a nice and unusual name Autumn was.

The problem started when we were in the local hospital with her. “Hello! So, this is Autumn we have here?” doctors and nurses would say as they entered the room, before giving us more messages of doom or uncertainty. Of course, the worse our situation got with her,Β the more her name had negative connotations for me.

It got to the point where I’d almost physically wince when anyone said her name. Doctors particularly, but even relatives saying her name made me almost wince.

Once Autumn’s operation was done and we were back home, I was having huge issues with anxiety and I still had issues with her name too. Every time I heard her name, it just reminded me of the huge nightmare we’d been through. I remember when I was with the specialist mental health doctor and his assistant asked what she was called. “Autumn”, I barely managed to say, whilst hyperventilating. “Oh! That’s a lovely name!” she replied. “Yeah…” I trailed off, unconvincingly.

Fortunately, once the medication started kicking in, I began to feel better fairly quickly. It took me a little while, but I really do like her name again now. When people tell me they like her name, I say “Thank you”, pleased that they think it was a good choice. I loved it when I thought of it when I was pregnant and Dave really liked it too. It was the top of our list for if we had a girl and when I had to stay overnight in hospital at the end of August because the doctors thought I was going to go into labour imminently, one of my biggest concerns was that she couldn’t be called Autumn if she was born in August! It really is a lovelyΒ name and it suits her so well.

I feel almost embarrassed that for a while I hated her name, but I suppose it’s just another side-effect of the terribleΒ way in which I dealt with the traumatic events that were happening around me.

I’m just so so pleased that my little Autumn is okay now. I love my beautiful little baby girl and once again, I love her beautiful name.

Like this post? Please visit me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Youtube and Google+

Mummy Times Two

62 Comments

  1. Daydreamer mum
    13th March 2017 / 12:54 pm

    This is such a lovely post and just shows how anxiety can mess with your mind. I was in an abusive relationship years back and because of the connotations of his use of MY name still make me feel a bit funny when other people call me my own name!! (thankfully most people shorten it!) Autumn is a beautiful name #PostsFromTheHeart

    • 13th March 2017 / 10:11 pm

      That’s awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through that πŸ™ I hope you’re mostly better after what you went through?
      Thank you and thanks for commenting xx

      • Daydreamer mum
        13th March 2017 / 10:12 pm

        Much, much better thank you!!

  2. RaisieBay
    13th March 2017 / 4:39 pm

    I think I’ve had moments when I’ve not liked the names of my children, but when you associate them with a traumatic event then it can cause problems. It sounds like you are happy now though which is lovely because it is a lovely name.
    #postsfromtheheart

    • 13th March 2017 / 10:13 pm

      Thank you, I’m glad that I can enjoy her name once again without it being a constant reminder of what we’ve been through πŸ™‚ Thanks for commenting xx

  3. 13th March 2017 / 6:26 pm

    Oh lovely! Anxiety is such a bummer. I had the perfect name picked for my daughter but anxiety made me change it. I then spent ages hating it but now I think it suits her ox

    • 13th March 2017 / 10:14 pm

      Oh, that’s such a shame. I’m glad you think her name suits her now.
      What was she going to be called and what is she called, if you don’t mind me asking?
      Thank you for commenting xx

  4. 13th March 2017 / 6:29 pm

    This is so open and honest, you went through so much and anxiety can be the absolute devil and making every situation 100 more unvearable! Anxiety made me not even be able to stand the sight of my baby at one point which kills me to think about. Well done for getting through it all and I’m so happy your little girl is better now – and Autumn really is a beautiful name. 😊 #Postsfromtheheart

    • 13th March 2017 / 10:25 pm

      Thank you. I’m sorry you’ve been through that, anxiety is so awful. Thank you so much for your lovely comment xx

  5. 13th March 2017 / 6:34 pm

    Yep- I think I have had second thoughts on all of them

    #postsfrommtheheart

  6. 13th March 2017 / 9:14 pm

    Can’t really add any more than what has already been said in the comments, other than the fact that Autumn really is a lovely name! #postsfromtheheart

  7. 13th March 2017 / 10:28 pm

    It is a beautiful name, but I’m not surprised you felt that way having been through all of that! Stress and anxiety can do funny things to people, don’t beat yourself up. You love the name again now, and that’s all that matters xxx #postsfromtheheart

    • 13th March 2017 / 10:46 pm

      Thank you. Stress and anxiety is awful, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone – as you say, it really does some funny things! Thank you for your lovely comment xxx

  8. annette anderson
    13th March 2017 / 10:50 pm

    So sorry you had to experience that. Your daughter is beautiful and her name is also beautiful. The Devil also effects how we think and tries, like in your case, to ruin such a beautiful part of your life. Thank goodness we have a gracious and loving God that not only healed your daughter , but you as well.

    • 13th March 2017 / 11:08 pm

      Thank you, I’m not completely there yet, but I’m getting there. My little girl is such a blessing, it’s wonderful to now be able to enjoy her properly.

  9. Mom Of Two Little Girls
    14th March 2017 / 10:12 am

    That must have been so hard for you. I’m gald you are both better now.
    #dreamteam

  10. 14th March 2017 / 10:24 am

    I hated my daughters name too bc of anxiety! Because she was poorly in my womb and then her dad chose it and we were no longer together and he was seeing other girls and texting them whilst I was in labour giving them updates etc and it made me sick. I didn’t like it originally when pregnant anyway bc it wasn’t a name I’d ever pick but we had no other ideas πŸ˜…It got made worse when I found out his ex was named Willow so it made me feel like he’d named her after his ex but I love it now!! It just shows how bizarre anxiety can be sometimes!

  11. 14th March 2017 / 11:22 am

    Autumn is a lovely name. I can see why you didn’t like it though, it was probably the fact that something horrible was happening. It is hard to want to associate that to something that was supposed to be happy. I’m glad the medication worked. I hope you can start putting it all behind you with time x
    #DreamTeam

  12. 14th March 2017 / 8:31 pm

    Beautiful name. It’s understandable that you felt that way though. It must have been so difficult. #DreamTeam

  13. 15th March 2017 / 9:50 am

    Aw I am so sorry you felt like that! Autumn is a gorgeous name though and I am glad you are getting better and know you made the right decision. #bestandworst

  14. Something About Baby
    15th March 2017 / 10:14 am

    Ah, it is such a gorgeous name, but it totally makes sense why you disliked it for a while, it must have been a terrible time for you πŸ™ I’m glad you are both doing better and you have fallen in love with her name again #bestandworst

  15. ohmummymia
    15th March 2017 / 9:16 pm

    how anxiety can change everything;( But luckily now it’s everything OK and you love her name:) it’s really pretty one
    #PostsFromTheHeart.

  16. 15th March 2017 / 11:21 pm

    I’m so glad you managed to overcome the anxiety associations with Autumn’s name as it is the most gorgeous name – I adore it! #postsfromtheheart

  17. Caroline {Girl about townhouse}
    16th March 2017 / 11:25 am

    Anxiety is awful, it makes you think about things in a completely different way. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better and that you can enjoy your daughters name again. I think Autumn is a lovely name and so unique. #brilliantblogpost

  18. 16th March 2017 / 12:44 pm

    Oh my heart went out to you with this – my eldest daughter was very poorly as a baby and had a major operation when she was 3 months old. Even though it was 6 years ago, I still start panicking if I happen to catch a smell of the cleaning products that were used on the hospital wards.

    I’m glad that you’ve been able to come to terms with it a bit now and can enjoy your daughter’s name (which is beautiful, by the way). #brillblogposts

  19. 16th March 2017 / 12:45 pm

    What a lovely post and I’m so pleased that after all that you began to love her name again because it is a truly beautiful one at that. Thanks for linking this up to #coolmumclub lovely xoxo

  20. 16th March 2017 / 1:49 pm

    I found this difficult to read because I could empathise so much. This really highlights how any trauma Early in can have a huge emotional impact on a mother. I think it’s great that you’ve been able to share this. #coolmumclub

  21. emmerson329
    16th March 2017 / 6:08 pm

    I’m sorry you felt that way, anxiety is awful, I suffered with it during and after my pregnancies. Autumn was on our list for our youngest had he been a girl and yet with a niece called Summer we feared we would be asked when Winter was on her way!! #Brillantblogposts

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:23 pm

      Haha, I can understand why you felt that way! I love names to do with months and seasons.

  22. 16th March 2017 / 8:59 pm

    Aw this sounds like it was the anxiety talking and you went through such a stressful time. I’m glad you feel better and love her name. It is so pretty and original. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:24 pm

      Thank you. I’ve met a few other Autumns but it’s definitely quite unusual.

  23. 16th March 2017 / 10:11 pm

    She’s so beautiful just like her name! Little smiler! I’m glad you’ve come to love it again and are moving forward after such a traumatic time. #coolmumclub xx

  24. 17th March 2017 / 8:11 am

    I have twins. I chose one of their names and my husband the other. At first I didn’t like the name he’d chosen, but I soon got used to it and it really suits her now! Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

  25. 17th March 2017 / 10:34 am

    Autumn is a beautiful name and it really does suit her, don’t feel embarrassed you hated it for a while, it wasn’t her name that was the issue, but the trauma you went through together. I am so glad that everything has worked out well for you, she really is a super beautiful little girl #ThatFridayLinky x

  26. 17th March 2017 / 9:25 pm

    Such a beautiful name. It sounds like you had an awful time at the start of your new life together, I am so glad that it has all come together for you now. She really is beautiful. #ThatFridayLinky

  27. 18th March 2017 / 1:08 pm

    I love her name too! Autumn was on our list of girls’ names but the trouble is our surname is Brown so I thought it probably wouldn’t be a good idea… #postsfromtheheart

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:27 pm

      Ah no, unfortunately that might not be the best combination of names πŸ™

  28. 19th March 2017 / 9:01 am

    Really interesting read. Isn’t it strange how we can react to different things in different ways. We went through a similar experience when our boy was little, not the name thing but an awful experience. I’m really happy that you’ve come through the other side and all is well again πŸ™‚

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:28 pm

      Thank you, I hope everything is better with your little boy too!

  29. diynige
    19th March 2017 / 9:12 am

    So sorry you have had such a difficult time personally I love her name Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

  30. 19th March 2017 / 10:24 am

    Aww Laura, I’ve been reading your posts about Autumn’s rocky start (and cried a few times) I have suffered with trauma related anxiety and it really makes your brain work in some strange ways. I’m so happy to read that you’ve found Peace with Autumn’s beautiful name once again. #Blogstravaganza

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:28 pm

      It does, doesn’t it πŸ™ I hate anxiety, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thank you πŸ™‚

  31. 19th March 2017 / 7:53 pm

    I can’t imagine going through something like that. Thinking about it gives me a weird tight feeling in my chest. I’m glad that your little girl is ok now. And she does have a beautiful name. Maybe one day the sound of that name will remind you of the fighting spirit that your daughter has. #coolmumclub

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:29 pm

      Thank you πŸ™‚ I like that idea, I’ll try to think of it like that πŸ™‚

  32. 19th March 2017 / 10:33 pm

    This is a very similar story to me . We choose Charley-Rose for our daughter and ended up in hospital with a very poorly baby when she was 3 weeks old and everythine someone said her name or said ‘oh i was expecting a boy ‘ i wanted to vomit. She is now a happy , healthy 18 mth old but i too could bare her name for a long time #Postsfromtheheart

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:30 pm

      I’m sorry to hear you went through that πŸ™ I’m glad that you’ve come through the other side and your daughter’s name is beautiful too!

  33. 20th March 2017 / 3:39 am

    I didn’t spend much time on my boys names. I heard the names pre baby days and liked them. So kept them locked up in my head for when needed i guess. I think Autumn is a beautiful name for a little girl.

  34. 21st March 2017 / 12:35 pm

    What a brave and honest post. I can’t imagine how difficult things must have been for you, it’s not surprising you made that sort of connection with your daughter’s name. I’m so glad things are better now, it really is a beautiful name! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza, hope to see you again next week xx

  35. 21st March 2017 / 4:25 pm

    I too felt that way about my baby, for a much different reason. However, 7 months later I am coming around, I do still feel the need to justify it when I am telling people though! #Blogstravaganza

    • 29th March 2017 / 4:34 pm

      I’m sorry to hear you felt like that, but glad things sound like they’re improving.

  36. 30th March 2017 / 7:50 am

    Wonderful post. I love posts that are written from the heart. I love Autumn’s beautiful name.x

  37. Pingback: I Hated My Daughters Name | The Prescott Family
  38. 5th May 2017 / 8:28 am

    Anxiety totally messes with your mind. It’s awful.

    Beautiful name though, hope you’re all doing well x

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge