At the end of February, I attended two funerals within 8 days. Two relatives from each of my parents’ sides of the family had passed away in January. They were both very, very different people, but saying goodbye to them and hearing about both their lives had quite a profound effect on me. It’s made me, once again , reflect on some things that have been on my mind for quite some time.
At the time of writing, I feel as though I’m in some odd sort of limbo. I haven’t had a ‘proper’ job outside of my blog since the end of October, which has had some impact on my mental health. At times, I’ve felt quite lost and almost unnecessary at times. This, of course, is completely untrue.
I have so many interests that it is difficult to find time for them all. Interests of mine include fashion, cars, sewing, gardening, dancing and more. I simply don’t have the time to fit all those passions into my life, as much as I try to shoehorn them all into my blog as a sort of compromise. Nor do I have time to learn all the things I want to. There are several subjects I’d like to study at degree level, I’ve always wanted to do a mechanic course, I’d like to learn to crochet, I’d like to read more…and the list goes on. It is a great source of anguish and discomfort to me that life is short and I simply won’t have the time or money to fulfil all of these things.
At the funerals I attended recently, I felt inspiration as well as sadness. The family members we lost were polar opposites, yet there are things I can learn from both. As often happens when I attend funerals, I have a new perspective on life. However, the same problems within remain. I am overwhelmed by inspiration. What starts as motivation to change, to do things differently, engulfs me until I just feel tired and stressed. So, how do I overcome this? Well, I don’t know.
I haven’t been able to help but think about what I might accomplish in whatever time I have. I wonder what I’ll achieve. Like most people, I’m sure, I like to think I have a purpose. However, I don’t know what it is, and that stresses me too. I’ve produced life and that’s wonderful, but I don’t feel like I’ve done what I’m supposed to yet, whatever that is. I’m very conscious that this seems quite self-absorbed, but I really do wonder what I might have done that people would talk about and whether I would inspire anyone?
I like to think I’m quite kind, but am I really? I am quite charitable, I donate to charity when I can and fundraise fairly often. Often, I chat to homeless people on the street and help them when I can. But do I really do all I am able to? No, but then I don’t suppose many of us do.
In my eyes, as it stands, my family is my greatest achievement – and what an achievement that is. Is it enough? Well, I don’t want it to be enough, I want there to be more. On reflection though, really it is enough. I try to do my best and that’s the best any of us can do. Meanwhile, I love Autumn so much and I am so proud of her. She alone is more than enough of an achievement for me in life.
Sometimes new beginnings come from something ending. That’s what I need to do now, just keep going on wherever this adventure takes me and try to push through the overwhelm to something beautiful.